I had a conversation with my friend the other night. And, I am still thinking about it. We were discussing relationships and how to know what is essential in a relationship. She said to me, “Cheri, I can go to museums with my girlfriends. Many people tell me that I am smart, so I do not need that from a man. But, only HE tells me that I am beautiful and sexy and desirable.” I am happy for my friend and what she has found!!!
I tell people that in relationships we “get what we ask for”. So I encourage people to work on becoming the best that they can be, and thus they will be in a position to ask more from someone. I advise people who are ending relationships to take a year off from dating, to get over their break-up or divorce. To get rid of all the old baggage. I then suggest to them to make a list of what they are looking for in a soul-mate.
The list is easier said than done. For many reasons, it was scary for me to make a list. First of all, if everyone has a soul mate and G-d sends that person to you, than why should I make a list? What if my list differs from G-d’s list? Secondly, to make a list you have to weigh each attribute for the pros and cons. Really think about what you want. My girlfriend told me to be careful about making reading books an important attribute. She made a very good point. She said that her husband and she sit for hours not talking to each other and reading their books. Plus, most people that I know do not read the books that I read. Thirdly, to write the list one must have the courage to ask for what you don’t think that you deserve. For one year I carried my list in my head. Then I finally wrote the list. That was a difficult experience. In writing my list I cheated. A psychic that I go to once a year, gave to me many things that are on my list.
The list that she gave to me…surprised me, delighted me, and made me think. She told me to look for things in a man that I do not possess in myself such as: someone who loves to cook, loves animals and loves nature. My list also taught me about what is important to me. I do not want to have to help raise someone else’s children. I have seen too many scenarios where the step-parent doesn’t have any power, and is frustrated by their lack of control/influence. She told me that the guy will have class, integrity and treat me like a princess. Yes, those are all important things to me.
I have been thinking (or is it fantasizing) that being with your soulmate makes you a better person. That the coming together of two halves, makes the whole piece better. Like ingrediants for a cake by themselves are not that good to eat, but once you mix them all together and bake them..then you have an awesome product. I think that good relationships should be like that, but I wonder if I have read too many romance novels in my life.
So my advice…make your list and review it often. This is NOT a wish list for a Prince Charming. This is a list of essentials that you cannot live without in a Soul-mate. And, perhaps then we can increase our odds of finding and choosing our Soul-mates.
Your writing inspired me. With your art and gentle prose I have discovered the waters of my soul stirred agitating the thoughts in my brain. Being a man I agree with your idea of a list. Interestingly it is an idea that appeals to both men and women. For women I believe the list helps to hold her fantasy world slightly at bay so that the romance of the man sweeping them off their feet does not take over their decision making process. When she is alone and calm she will refer back to her list like a good friend and compare Prince Charming to what she so carefully penned after careful thought and consideration to who and what she is. Thus, the list acts as an anchor so she won’t be blown with the wind to a destination to which she never wanted to stray.
For a man the list is different. Men are like rocks. We like to stay where we are even though we dream of the shore on the other side of the river. Some men are large boulders able to steer a mighty river or be the corner stone to an impressive structure. Some men are pebbles and are easily swept away by a stormy current. Most of us are just rocks dreaming of what it is like to be a large boulder and thankful we are more than pebbles. For us our list is our chance to dream. A list that will give us guidance for that perfect woman that will smooth away our rough edges and help us achieve that peaceful shore on the other side of the river. Please, don’t be deceived by the items on our lists. Even though we desire her to be beautiful we also wish her to be intelligent enough to discuss our hearts with. Most importantly we wish for a mate that we are not ashamed of – but someone we beam with pride to be seen with. A woman that we can place upon a pedestal and declare to all our rock friends, “she chose ME over the rest of you, and I get to bask in her presence daily. Weep.” A woman that we awake every day and accomplish great things for just so we can her praise. Sounds kind of like a dog desiring praise from his master doesn’t it? Why do you think a dog is man’s best friend – because it emulates what a perfect relationship is to a man. I’ve heard many women declare to attend to how a man treats his dog – because he will treat her the same way. I’m not sure it’s true, but if a man treats an animal cruelly, an animal that shows him loyalty, undying love, and a continuing spirit to please him – then his relationships will be tumultuous and difficult. A man’s list is different from that of a woman but no less important.
WOW, married 18 years, together 22, now divorced 5, never had such insight into the male perspective explained so well to me, just like WOW!!!
Dear Scott,
Your words and thoughts are beautiful and eloquent!!! What you said almost moved me to shed the tears that formed in my eyes. Thank you for giving us that perspective.
Cheri
Making a list is a great place to start, but you need to give out what you desire in order to get it back. I have a whole different perspective. I feel, to get what you want you must give first. If you give others what they want first ,you wind up getting what you want. There is a saying, People don’t care what you know until they know that you care. When you genuinely care for other people you will find some that care back to develop relationships with.There is a little book that I loved called “The Go Giver” When you give first, everything falls into place. You can have better relationships with friends, lovers, acquaintances, employees, bosses, everyone. If we don’t put people into categories we can see the best in everyone, and you know what, they rise to the occasion more often then not. In some respect I think the list is a just fantasy. Fantasy is fine, but, if you are looking for happiness you need to start by looking at yourself. if your list is something that you want but your not willing to give someone else that same thing first, you won’t find it. True happiness is a conscious effort. I really believe putting others needs ahead of your own get you your needs and a whole lot more. I may have gone a bit off on a tangent but I’m not a huge fan of listing all the qualities “you” want in someone else. I believe if your going to have a list it should start with the qualities you want in yourself so you can offer someone else something wonderful.
Dear Sue,
Thank you for the reminder that we are not all at the same place. Although I try to not make this blog too personal, on line it is hard to remember that not everyone is on the same page of life that I am. In my office, I am much more focused on where that person is in relationship to self-esteem.
Thank you for the suggestion of a book. This is what I want for the blog to be: discussion, suggestions, exchange of ideas, and different points of view.
I cannot wait until October when I start up my Torah studies…. that will be lots of fun for us all to discuss.
Cheri
When I finally got sick & tired of being sick & tired of being lonely, & felt I was worthy of someone good in my life, I got on my knees & asked God to “put someone in my life who was good to me & for me”. That’s all the expectations & parameters I felt was needed. If the person didn’t appear to have good intentions & motives, I kindly said goodbye. I realized that if I were to make out some ‘list’ of qualities, it would be just as limiting as a list of negatives.
Darlene (my wife) appeared to be a good person, w/ good AIM*. I then felt God had done his/her part, & the rest was up to me…& her. Thanks for letting me share. -FZ
*- Attitude, Intentions, Motivations
Can I dance with more than one partner? Can I dance with all my heart and soul to the beat of love with one, and dance with passion and life to the beat of another?
I have always had trouble with the concept of soul mate. Two peas in a pod. Made for each other. Yin and yan.
Patches, mortar, and duct tape. A hammer if it doesn’t quite fit. Why should everything fit smoothly. Where is the adventure in that?
I can love. Can I love?
I do not advocate love the one you are with, if you cannot have the one you want … but … shall I forever be single waiting for my soul mate, particularly if they are not wearing a pink carnation in their lapel and sign saying soul mate.
I fear that I am not that observant.
Good read. Hope you find your soul mate. I feel if they are out there, you will be attacked to each other, through fate,and or the divine.
Aww Thank you Matt!! I am very lucky that I have many friends who hope for the same thing for me. I think in some ways your wife is your soulmate. She often tells you to do things that benefit YOU, and not her.